A personal miracle of Grace
“And when I think that God, His Son not sparing, sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in. That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing, He bled and died to take away my sin” 1
These lyrics indelibly mark a moment in my life when I was permanently changed, essentially altered by an outside power far greater than anything I could have ever possibly imagined or created on my own. That power was and is Love…true, perfect, gracious, merciful Love, a Love that comes only from the one being in existence who IS Love.
I was walking a very dark path, living for myself, and driving nearly everyone in my life away through my selfish, uncontrolled debauchery. Constantly intoxicated and possessed by wandering eyes and insatiable lust, I had trashed my marriage and permanently destroyed any chance of a meaningful relationship with my firstborn daughter. Yet despite this, I pridefully continued in my ways, using people to fulfill my desires and perceived needs without any thought for what damage I was doing to them and their lives.
Then, one Spring evening around Eastertime 1987, I was driving alone to my home in Ontario, CA, from a hospital in Corona, where I’d visited a girl who had just had one of her fallopian tubes removed, along with the ectopic baby I’d planted within her in one of my many moments of drunken selfishness.
The drive was long, and the night was dark, with just enough moonlight to illuminate the ground fog rising from the fields and farmlands around me, just high enough to wisp over the hood of my car and across the windshield. A surreal environment wherein I became lost in self-examination and reflection on the numerous ways I had hurt so many others.
Within this reflection I was confronted by the reality that this young woman had been hospitalized, that she had just undergone life-altering surgery, and that a precious baby’s life was lost solely because of my selfish choices. I was completely overwhelmed by the realization of how low I’d sunk, and by a profound sense of guilt and regret. I was utterly bankrupt; morally, spiritually, bankrupt.
Arriving home in a dazed swirl of thoughts and emotions, I walked into my bedroom and looked up for the first time in years at a picture of Jesus that had followed me everywhere I’d lived since I was a kid. Having been raised going to church, hanging that picture up wherever I lived just seemed like the right thing to do, but in reality, it was little more than a decoration…until that moment.
As soon as I looked at that picture, my knees buckled and I collapsed onto the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, inconsolably. It was then that I heard it, an inaudible voice, not in my ears, but in my soul; the strong, clear, gentle, Fatherly voice of my Creator asking this very simple yet profoundly direct and powerful question, “Have you had enough?” Along with these words which I can never forget, came a vision, not seen with my eyes, but again in my soul; a vision of The Father’s strong hand reaching down not to punish me, but to lift me to my feet.
I was completely overcome by the fact that, after everything I had done to Him, after consciously deciding to ignore His warnings, choosing to pursue my pride-filled, lust-fueled desires knowing it was wrong, that after hurting Him, His Son, and everyone He had given into my life, He would still be willing to forgive me and welcome me back into His arms was more than I could handle and I knew in that instant, that I’d been changed!
Like the old Jesus picture on the wall, I had kept on my nightstand for years an old Lutheran hymnal that had belonged to my paternal grandmother and, for reasons I can still only imagine, I reached out, picked up that book and noticed for the first time a single, loose page sticking out; why had I never seen this before? I pulled out the page and found it was the hymn, ‘How Great Thou Art’; a very familiar song that I’d heard my mom sing around the house countless times when I was growing up but which, until then, had meant little to me.
Compelled by something I can neither explain nor comprehend, I started singing, alone in my apartment I worshiped and prayed for the first time in many years. And when I sang these words it all became real; “And when I think that God, His Son not sparing, sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in. That on the cross, MY burden gladly bearing, He bled and died to take away MY sin”. At this I cried again, but no longer from grief and regret, but rather from indescribable relief! Then as if it couldn’t get any better, the next verse finished me off, “When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation and take me home, what joy shall fill my heart! Then I shall bow, in humble adoration, and there proclaim, my God, how great Thou art!” Even as I write this today, nearly four decades later, I can’t read those words without having to fight back tears!
About three months after that moment when God saved me from self-destruction, He introduced me to the most amazing and beautiful woman! Michele had also been recently saved by God and was struggling as a single mom to raise her daughter in the Faith and away from the abusive home and marriage they had escaped about a year earlier, a marriage polluted by drugs, abuse, and chronic infidelity.
Michele’s precious heart and natural beauty inside and outside so affected me, that I felt compelled to confess my past to her after only a couple dates. I knew she was a remarkably special woman, and I knew that she deserved to know who I was before we got any closer; I didn’t want to hurt her too. Yet, although my sins were so much like those she had fled, she lovingly embraced me and our relationship which grew very quickly into a love unlike anything either of us ever thought possible!
Roughly ten months later, nearly a year after my life changing experience with God, we married and now some 35+ years, 6 kids and 6 grandkids later, I’m still blown away by God’s Grace! Seriously, I had selfishly thrown away a marriage and a daughter, but He gave me a second chance! Not as a replacement of course (people are never replaceable), but rather as evidence of His forgiveness, a forgiveness so pure and unconditional that He would trust me to care for a broken mother and her daughter wounded by the sins of another man, which were far too similar to my own!
This is the experiential Easter! A perfect gift of perfect Grace and Forgiveness. A forgiveness so perfect and powerful that our deepest darkest sins cannot stand against it, all worked out through the sacrifice and resurrection of the perfect Son, by the Will and Love of the perfect Father.
Most of us believe that people cannot change, and while that is essentially true, the greater truth is that God can and does change people, I am living proof of that! So, my hope and prayer in sharing this is that all who hear His name will also hear His voice like I did, and experience the incomparable, perfect, life-changing Grace of Easter!
PDS - Easter 2023
Edmond,
Oklahoma
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